


The war started in my heart

by Likeuwannabeloved



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Domestic Violence, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Islamophobia, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, Violence, Xenophobia, but barely
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2019-08-23 03:25:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16610990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Likeuwannabeloved/pseuds/Likeuwannabeloved
Summary: And then, suddenly, He was smiling. A smile that turned into a wheezing laugh that sent sharp pricks of pain all over his body-but he didn't care. And as his vision morphed into one solid blur of black, the last coherent thought he had was,'Fate is so fucking funny sometimes.'AU Where Harry is a troubled soldier running from his dark past and finds solace in Louis.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! Its been awhile since i've posted on here and I have actually been working on this story for almost 5 years now, but I fell off kind of when 1D disbanded. But Its been plaguing my mind alot lately and I almost feel like if I don't finish this story I won't be able to fully start on another story. It's still not complete yet, but I knew If I didn't put out what I'd already written I'd never get back to writing. 
> 
> SO a few important disclaimers-MOST IMPORTANT: THINGS SAID IN THIS STORY DO NOT REFLECT MY OWN PERSONAL BELIEFS OR OPINIONS.  
> This story is not in anyway romanticizing war, PTSD, or any other trauma's I've chosen to tackle. And on the opposite spectrum of that- this story is in no way meant to BASH war or the military. The first two years of me writing this story was ALL research on ranks, actual military life, soldiers life after war, the internal and external conflicts during and after, morality, etc... To be as accurate and genuine as possible. Obviously there are somethings that I altered to better fit the story that i'm trying to portray- but its nothing that a reader would have to really suspend their disbelief to believe (The intro scenario MAYBE, but I've tried to re-write it so many times and nothing ever felt as fitting as what it is). Another thing I'd like to address is that when I first started writing this story, it was being very loosely based around the ISIS crisis when it first started to gain traction in the news and such. That being said, there will be some Islamophobic language and this AGAIN in NO way, shape or form reflects my personal beliefs or opinions. Having Zayn as a character though and also as a military personnel in this story, I felt it was an important opportunity and something genuine to touch on in terms of his own internal battles having to do with his religion (obviously not his REAL LIFE struggles since I know nothing about them) But just in general how a Muslim man would and HAS been treated during that time and also how he treats himself in return being surrounded by all the stigma's, xenophobia, and controversy. 
> 
> And finally the Mental Illness aspect of this story. There are several subjects that I touch on through out this story, and most of them are based on my own personal day to day dealings with these illnesses. Such as depression, suicidal thoughts, self-harm (and not always in the obvious ways most are familiar with.) Panic attacks etc... Because these are all things that I have and continue to struggle with. So I try to keep this aspect of the story as true as possible to my OWN experiences- meaning it may not be presented is the same way that other people experience these things. And that's okay- I just needed it to be known so that there is no misunderstandings. The only thing I have not personally experienced is struggling with PTSD. Along with my thorough research of the Military, I also went deep into psychological studies as well. (I'm a psych major anyways so this was extremely informative to me). And while I tried to confidently portray this Illness as accurately and true as possible- I have not experienced the feelings attributed to it and therefore someone whose reading this may see that there will be some things that aren't all completely accurate. If anyone has PTSD and is reading this story I hope I have done you some slight of justice- and if not please don't hesitate to leave a comment or message me and let me know so I can learn and edit where appropriate.
> 
> With all that being said, I REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY THIS STORY!!! This is 5 years in the making so i'm nervous, but happy reading!!

_999, what’s your emergency?”_

_“Um… U-um. I. I think my… He just- And then she-“_

_“Sir, I need you to calm down. Take a deep breath and try to explain to me calmly what happened. Sir?”_

_“Sir?”_

~~~

     The worst part was the heat.

     Scorching, dry, disorientating heat.

     Harry could feel the sweat running down his face and into his eyes. He blinked against the sting, but it otherwise went unnoticed, having grown accustom to the small pain.

     They’d been hiding in the same spot for hours now- pinned by a unforeseen onslaught of gunfire in an area previously known as unoccupied. Now, they were sat like sitting ducks in some old abandoned building, trying to regroup after being ambushed. Harry could vaguely register Zayn talking to them all in hushed, urgent tones- discussing what their next move would be. He knew he should have been paying attention to know what the defense strategy would be; but Harry was too focused on watching the ‘empty’ streets below them where he knew soldiers were hiding. Waiting for them to make the first move.

     They had them positioned in Afghanistan for the time being. Two teams had already been thrown back on their hunches within the month, and Zayn’s company was the best in the UK armed forces. And their last resort. The cocky idiots thought they would have the upper hand in the war because they had the “bigger and better guns”. But one thing they hadn’t anticipated- an amateur mistake at its best- was the rough terrains.

     Endless deserts filled with thousands of caves and dunes, and even more enemies hiding in them. Hundreds of men have lost their lives to hidden mines. Or much like them at- ambushes. But Harry was pretty desensitized to seeing men come and go now. Or at least that’s what he told himself. Even went as far as to think some were lucky.

     But being trapped in the old building brought back an onslaught of unwanted memories of Harry’s first months in combat.

_Harry was frozen._

_Everything seemed to slow down around him as he stared at the man in front of him._

_His lips were moving, and Harry knew he was yelling something at him. But he heard nothing as he stared at the young boy held in his hands. Gun pressed to his skull._

_The little boy stared back at Harry, glistening eyes shaking Harry to his core. The resemblance was too much. His conscious mind knew he could just raise his arm and in one shot the boy would be free. But his fingers were stuck._

_Suddenly a shot went off._

_Harry’s eyes immediately shut, gun slipping from his fingers as he slumped to the ground, dry heaving and gasping for air. The sound resonating in his ears as if it was the key to his locked body._

_“What the fuck are you doing Styles?!” A distant voice was yelling at him. A rough pair of hands gripped the collar of his shirt, shaking him making him focus on the pair of hazel eyes in front of him._

_"Huh?” The voice shouted angrily._

_“I-I couldn’t.” Harry whispered, tremors in his voice._

_“I don’t give a fuck about what you can and can’t do! You signed up for this and you cannot afford to freeze up like that out here. Focus! Clear your mind and focus, goddammit!”_

_But it was too late anyways. Harry was too far gone. He was-_

     Harry felt a firm hand squeeze his shoulder suddenly, startling him out of his rumination. With a violent jerk and sharp intake of breath, his fingers unconsciously tightened on the weapon in his hand- but he dutifully kept his gaze trained out the window.

     “Let’s go Harry. I said we’re falling back.” Zayn ordered.

     Zayn was the Sergeant of their squad. Harry had met him at their training base, then again, his first week in the field. Zayn always told Harry that he’d taken to him because he looked like a kid devoted to fighting. But the pity in his eyes when he’d first seen Harry at eighteen years old- all stone faced and blank eyed- told him otherwise.

      “What?” He asked, head finally snapping around to face him. “Fall back?”

      “Yes. We’re outnumbered. If we go out there and open fire, it’ll be suicide. We need to go back to base and request to send out a bigger group.”

     “Zayn they’re right there.“

     “I’m aware of that Harry but-“

     “If we don’t do something now, they’ll just lead a night raid and you know it.”

     “Then we’ll be ready. I’ll have men out on the-“

     “They are all tired Zayn, this is going to be the second night raid if you haven’t forgotten. Don’t run them into the-“

     “Styles.” He said, authority ringing in his tone and a warning in his eyes. “Enough. Now fall back, let’s go!”

     Harry gritted his teeth and watched as everyone gathered their gear and got ready to follow him out.

 _‘No.’_ He thought.

     No.

     And he threw his legs over the window sill, landing on the ground with a grunt. He could hear the boys and Zayn shouting after him, along with the sound of gunshots, but he kept going ignoring their panicked orders for him to come back.

     He could hear his heart pounding in his ears and adrenaline rushing through his veins as he ducked behind something to shield him and shot the two men that were closest and running towards his spot. He made sure not to stay in that spot long- it was quickly being surrounded. Instead he opted to quickly sprint to the broken down building opposite from where they were previously stationed minutes ago, kneeled and opened fire.

     Harry saw out the corner of his eyes the rest of the squad take up positions on either of his sides and heard Zayn shouting orders at them. He almost felt annoyed that they were here now after wanting to back out and that was his first mistake. Something they taught you in training.

 ** _‘Never let your stupid emotions distract you from the enemy_** ’

     Harry had made the mistake of letting that happen one too many times.

     Distractions either got you one or two places. In the grave or… 

     Well.

     In the grave.

      Of course, Harry had gotten too distracted by their arrival and failed to notice a sniper on the roof of the building until he felt a sharp pain to his left arm, the force of the shot sending him flying back on his butt. He cursed loudly, hand clutching his bicep for a minute, before inspecting the blood on his hand. ‘Not enough to be killer.’ Harry thought, biting his lip and quickly turning and aiming up, killing the man in a quick succession of shots, turning back to his post before he could see the man fall. His arm throbbed and he could feel the blood beginning to soak into his uniform, but ignored it and continued to shoot.

     And just like he’d predicted, within the same hour they were able to take out more than half of them before the rest of them retreated. Panting, Harry stood up from his spot and watched the few left scatter with a blank expression on his face, ignoring the turning in his gut as his eyes swept over the streets. The dead bodies.

     People he’d killed.

     It was quickly replaced by a grimace though, as Zayn stomped up to him and shoved him so hard that he stumbled back.

     “The next time I say fall back Styles, you fall the fuck back understood?” He shouted in his face. “You could have gotten your whole squad killed, you dumb-fuck!  
Don’t you ever listen?!”

     Harry tensed at the last comment, but disguised it by standing up straight and nodding once. Because even though Zayn could be considered his friend, he was still the Lieutenant and he’d disobeyed orders.

But before he had a chance to open his mouth to apologize for his disobedience, Zayn gripped the back of his neck, turning him roughly to look at a man laying on the ground. Motionless.

     " You see O'Brien over there? He died because you wanted to be a hero! He died for nothing! You might as well have picked the gun up and placed it on his throat yourself- at least that way he'd have known you were about to kill him. I ought to get you decommissioned..."

     Zayn continued to shout in his ear, but all noise faded out into faint white noise other than the pounding sound of his heart racing as he stared at the lifeless body in front of him.

     He'd killed him.

     It was his fault he was dead.

_‘You never learn do you boy?’_

     "No..." Harry whispered, unconsciously. "No no no..."

     Harry could feel his vision starting to blur around him before he heard a voice coming from somewhere around him- but everything sounded like it was underwater in his catatonic state.

     ".... Okay. Can you hear my voice Styles? Come on and look at me mate, he's not there anymore."

     He realized the voice belonged to Zayn the harder he tried to grasp at the surface. He blinked once, brown eyes and brown skin coming into his vision.

     Zayn smiled gently, gripping his neck again only softer this time. "Good, just focus on my voice. This is Zayn, you're in Afghanistan in the desert, can you feel the heat on your skin? Come back from where ever you are Harry, everything is okay, alright?"

     It took him awhile, but slowly Harry started to regain awareness of his surrounding. The heaviness of his gear weighing him down and tethering him to the sand below his feet. The steadily growing throb in his shoulder. The feeling of Zayn's slightly trembling hand on his neck. Eventually Harry was able to focus completely on his face and he gave him a small nod.

     "There we are Styles, good. Zoned out on me for a minute there." He said, voice a complete 360 from just a moment ago.

     “Yes sir. It won’t happen again.”

     That’s when his eyes softened in the slightest and he shook his head. “You suicidal bastard. Any injuries?”

     He motioned to his arm. “Just a rifle shot, not a hollow point though. So I’ll be fine until we get back. It’s not bleeding enough to be a vein or anything else important.”

     Zayn hesitated, like he wanted to oppose, but just reached into one of the pouches on his tactical belt and handed Harry a thick piece of gauze.

     “Keep pressure on that until we can get you stitched up then.” He ordered before turning to the rest of the squad. “Get everything ready and loaded up, I want us out of here in three minutes, let’s move!”  
…

 

     “Stop moving before I yank something out that you need.” Zayn warned, amusement clear in his voice.

     “I’m sorry just let me fucking pretend you don’t have a pair of tweezers shoved in a hole in my arm.” Harry hissed, grinding his teeth together. “God Zayn, are you digging for gold?”

     Usually Harry wouldn’t mind the pain; sometimes even welcoming the feeling. Just to feel something.

     But Zayn wasn’t exactly a medic, nor was he being careful. Hell, Harry wasn’t even entirely sure he knew what he was doing at all.

     Harry made an aborted little sound in the back of his throat as Zayn suddenly pulled the medical tweezers out and waved the bloody metal in front of his face before dropping them and the bullet into a bowl.

     “I offered morphine and you turned it down so man up, and stop mouthing off to me. I can still kick your ass.” He joked.

     And Harry knew he was joking but that knowledge didn’t comfort him like it should have.

     “Sorry. I wasn’t trying to-“

     “Relax Harry. Learn how to take a joke, hm?” Zayn said, giving him a brief private smile before beginning to stitch him up.

     For a long while, the only sound in the small room was the wet sound of Zayn working steadily and the muted chattering of the boisterous men next door. Sounds both men were familiar with- found a type of unexplainable comfort in it. But something had been plaguing Harry’s mind ever since they’d gotten back. Something clawing at the back of his brain that he couldn’t get rid of.

     “Hey, uhm, Zayn?” Harry spoke softly, looking down at his dirt riddled boots. Zayn grunted in acknowledgment. “I did… I did the right thing out there today, didn’t I? Kill…” Harry paused, clearing his throat around the lump that had formed there. “Killing those men? They would’ve just taken us out if we hadn’t… Right?”

     Zayn was quiet for a long time after, never pausing in his work. So quiet that Harry began to think that he hadn’t heard him and opened his mouth to question this- until he finally spoke up.

     “I lost perspective of what is wrong and what is right out here a long time ago, Harry.” He answered, solemnly.

     Harry cleared his throat a second time, suddenly growing tight now, but kept his face composed as he nodded his head shortly.

     “You did good out there, Styles. I’m sure what you did was ultimately for the greater good, yeah?” He assured in a more firm tone. But even Zayn couldn’t tell who he was trying to convince more at that point. Himself or Harry.

     “The next time you plan on going on a suicide mission though, warn me first. And maybe not wait until three fucking days before we leave to do it. You may have a death wish, but I however, actually want to go home and see my family.”

     Harry continued to sit in silence at the mention of family and just let Zayn finish fixing him up, the lump in his throat settling like a permanent weight. And after he wrapped a bandage around the wound, Harry grabbed his jacket, ready to bolt avoiding Zayn’s worried eyes. He didn’t want to see the pity in them. Again.

     “Come home with me.” He asked quietly.

     “You’re not my type.” Harry deadpanned. He felt Zayn’s fist connect with his back and couldn’t help but flinch, before forcing himself to relax.

     ‘Joking Harry, he’s joking. Zayn is safe.’

     “I’m serious! You stayed in the military base housing and I’m not letting you stay on base again- working yourself to the bone. I don’t know what your history is or what makes you want to stay away from it and I’m not asking you to tell me either. So come on, you said you live in London too right?”

     Harry was half tempted to say no just to get out of it, but the thought of getting out of this hellhole after two years sounded more appealing. He knew deep down he was was itching for a break; a real break. So he nodded in response.

     Zayn smiled again. “Good! I already had two tickets cleared for us.”

     “So you knew I was going to agree then?”

     “No, I was just hoping I wouldn’t have to drug you and drag you out of here.” He rolled his eyes at that, even though knowing Zayn, he had no doubt that he wouldn’t have tried. “So, when we land, we could drop you off where ever you want or-“

     “I don’t have anywhere I want to go.”

     Zayn blinked and opened his mouth, then quickly closed it obviously thinking better of what he was going to say.

     “Right. Well, you’re always welcomed at my house. I just hope you aren’t a rubbish roommate; we’ve already got one of those.”

     Harry nodded curtly again, swallowing thickly and averting his eyes. Then he set his shoulders, as to not let his apprehension and worry show.

     “I will see you then. Have a good night.”

     With that, he carefully side-stepped around Zayn and ignored his sigh, walking back to the bunks for a restless night of sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Abuse, Homophobic language, brief descriptions of panic attacks.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

     On the flight to London, Harry was nervous. Even though he’d only gotten one, maybe two hours of sleep the night before, he couldn’t stop fidgeting around in his seat. He tried his best to hide it and if Zayn noticed, he didn’t comment on it; rather just left him to his own thoughts and Harry was grateful for that.  
  
     The closer they got, the more anxious he grew. He could feel the emotions that he’d locked away a long time ago slowly creeping up, like he was gradually being suffocated. Harry closed his eyes and clenched his fists, digging the sharp ends of his nails into his palms, trying to ground his self.  
  
    _Harry couldn’t breathe._  
  
_No matter how hard he tried._  
  
_He just. Couldn’t. Breathe._  
  
_Harry drew ragged breaths he didn’t have into his lungs, stinging at his raw throat. But rather than calming him, he grew even more hysterical._  
  
_“Oh god he just- I need… I-shit, can’t breathe! A-and she’s just- she- laying there and-“ He gasped, desperately trying to pull air into his rapidly shrinking lungs to no avail. The phone slipped from his hands as he slowly backed out of the room before breaking out into a full sprint. He didn’t make it far before collapsing to his knees, black spots dancing behind his eyes._  
  
_The woman’s shrill, static voice was the only thing that followed him in the eerie quiet air of the home._  
  
**_Breathe Harry._**  
  
_In for two, out two. In two, out two._  
  
     “Harry?”  
  
     Harry slowly opened his eyes and turned to look at whoever was talking. Zayn was looking back at him with a cautious smile on his lips.  
  
     “We’re landed. I’ve been calling you for a while now, but you were off in your own world for a bit.”  
  
     Harry gingerly unclenched his fist sighing at the slight sting from where his nails had been digging in. He stretched his fingers out, basking in the increased sting, trying to ground himself once again.  
  
     “Yeah. Sorry. I must’ve zoned out thinking.” He mumbled, standing up to help him get their rucksacks down from the luggage compartment. “You never told me who you were meeting here.” Harry said quickly, before Zayn could press the previous subject.  
  
     Zayn ducked his head trying to hide an excited smile, walking ahead of him. “Just my best mate Louis and… And my boyfriend, Liam.”  
  
     Harry’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, “Boyfriend?”  
  
     “Is that going to be a problem?” He questioned.

     “No, um, not at all. Just didn’t strike me as gay, is all.”

     "I didn't know you could 'see' homosexuality now."

     Harry looked at Zayn wide eyed and hurried to try and back track. "No, I don't think you can- I didn't mean... Sorry if I offended you I just meant-"

     Zayn bumped his shoulder and gave him one of his soft, private smiles to let him know he was joking. “Sorry I didn't broadcast it enough for you then. Next time I'll come with my bright pink guns and a bedazzled uniform marching to ‘It’s Raining Men’ ”

     Harry pause for a moment trying to judge whether or not he'd actually offended him before slowly saying, “...Well now that I am looking at you, you are awfully pretty… You could pull it off.”

     “Fuck you, Styles.”

     Harry smirked down at his shoes in response and they walked out of the gate into the airport terminal where all the friends and families of soldiers were waiting.  
  
     There was crying and yelling and laughing going on all around as each one of them stepped out. Harry watched significant others throwing themselves at their partners, and kids running into their Dad’s – or Mum’s- awaiting arms. And it was a heartwarming sight. He should’ve felt happy. But he felt far from it. Instead, he gripped his bag tighter and kept his eyes straight ahead, pushing all the loathing and some-what envious thoughts to the back of his head.  
  
     “Zayn!”  
  
     Harry and Zayn both turned at the sound of his name and saw two people frantically waving and running at him. He watched Zayn‘s smile double in size and drop his bag just in time for the bulkiest of the two to immediately wrap his arms around him and connect their lips in a desperate kiss. The other feather-haired boy just rolled his eyes looking at them both with a fond smile.  
  
     Harry took a few steps back and averted his gaze, letting them all have this moment together.  
  
     “Have you quite finished sucking his face Liam, I’d like to say hello as well.”  
  
     He heard Liam and Zayn pull apart and both of them laugh.  
  
     “God, no matter how many times I leave and come back I can always count on you still being an asshole Lou.”  
  
     “Thanks, I try to keep things just the same for you, Z.”  
  
     They went back and forth for another minute, before throwing their arms around each other tightly. Then Harry heard his name and tensed.  
  
     “Harry this is Louis and Liam, guys this is my friend Harry.” Zayn introduced  
  
     He turned his gaze back to them and tried for what he hoped looked like a smile. “Very nice to meet the both of you.” He greeted.  
  
     “You too, Harry.” Liam said giving him a warm smile. “And welcome home!”  
  
     He nodded once respectfully, and Harry could feel Louis’ eye’s on him. He tried to ignore it, he really did. But ended up looking over, meeting eyes that he noticed were a striking shade of blue, feeling something stir in the pit of his stomach when he smiled brightly. So Harry quickly looked away, squaring his shoulders and focusing on what Zayn was saying instead.  
  
     “He’s going to be staying with us while we’re on leave. Is that okay?” He was asking.  
  
     Liam gave him a concerned look, opening his mouth to no doubt question why, but Zayn just subtly shook his head at both of them. Harry tried to keep his face blank but clenched his fist again under the scrutiny of their gazes.  
  
     “Yeah, of course it’s okay!” Louis finally answered. “We have an extra room anyway. It’ll be fun.  
  
     “Then it’s settled. Let’s go I can’t wait to be at home in my own bed.”  
  
     Harry let them walk ahead of him, settling for listening to them talk excitedly to one another. It had been so long since he got to see someone so excited, so happy to see him that they lit up like Liam and Louis did with Zayn. That is, If someone ever had.  
  
                                                                                                                                 

                                                                                                                                   ...

 

    _“Harry pick up your stuff, for god’s sake!” Robin yelled at him. His roaring voice made Harry flinch from his spot on the floor where he was playing with the few toys that he’d actually owned._  
  
_He was only eight at the time and they’d been living with Robin for two years. But it wasn’t until about a year after when he started getting violent with them. It started off with small stuff; Mum not finishing dinner early enough or Harry playing the television too loud. He’d yell and scream at them, but then the beatings started. For the both of them._  
  
_Harry let out a painful shout when his foot connected with his hands, kicking the toys out of his grip. “Get up now! I’m not going to say it twice!”_  
  
_He stumbled to his feet, sniffling quietly trying to hide the tears rolling down his cheeks while he cleaned up his things, clutching his red hand to his chest._  
  
_“What are you crying for huh? Did I hurt your little feelings? Give you a little boo-boo?” Robin patronized, snickering to himself. “Poor baby.”_  
  
_“I’m not a baby…” Harry mumbled back in response, tensing the minute the words came out, regretting it immediately._  
  
_“Are you talking back to me boy? What, you think you’re brave now?”_  
  
_Harry cried out in pain again when Robin’s meaty hand wrapped around the back of his neck, violently jerking him up._  
  
_“Robin! Robin! Stop please! I’ve got him- whatever he did I’ll take care of it I promise. Please.” His Mum begged, running into the room._  
  
_With one last glare he finally released Harry and he fell back on to the floor, curling in on himself to muffle his quiet cries._  
  
_“Get him to shut the hell up. Always messing up my night, the goddamned nuisance.” Robin spat before Harry heard the familiar thump of his work boots against the wood floors and then a door slamming._  
  
_Harry felt Anne gently pull on his arm and he immediately sat up, throwing his arms around her neck, seeking comfort._  
  
_“Are you alright, love?” She whispered._  
  
_“Mummy I don’t like it here.” He choked out. “I want to go home!”_  
  
_“Stop it Harry, don’t do that.” She reprimanded softly. “This is our home now. I love Robin and we’re going to be here for a very long time.” She pulled him back, looking at him with tears swimming in her own eyes and gently shook him. “But for god’s sake Harry, stop provoking him all the time. Just stop… Stop doing stupid things and he won’t be so mad all the time, okay? Clean up after yourself and pick up your toys.”_  
  
_He clung to her neck even tighter and shook his head. That’s when she snapped and sighed frustrated, yanking his arms from around her._  
  
_“Dammit Harry, listen for once! You wonder why he does the things he does, and this is why! Stop being so hard headed! Don’t make me choose between the two of you, you just don’t understand right now. You don’t get…” Mum shook her head tiredly, cutting herself off. “Just clean up these toys, go to your room and stay out of his way. Don’t you go bothering him anymore tonight!”_  
  
_With that she moved him off her lap and headed in the same direction he heard Robin go in._  
  
_Harry didn’t know how long he sat there that day, staring after her, listening to the yelling and screaming and unmistakable thumps of a person being thrown around. But he did know it was the loneliest that he had ever felt before._

 

                                                                                             

                                                                                                                                      …

 

 

     “Home sweet home!” Louis announced loudly, leading them into a decent sized loft.  
  
     It was nice. Harry remembered Zayn telling him once that he was an artist, so that explained the abundance of artwork that covered the colorful walls.  
  
     Nothing like the dull grey walls he had been subjected to see every day.  
  
     “Did Zayn paint these?” Harry found himself asking.  
  
     “Yeah he did, amazing isn’t it?” Liam answered, adoration clear in his voice.  
  
     Harry hummed in response, still looking over all the paintings before catching himself and turning to face them.  
  
     “You have a lovely home.” He stated, trying again for a smile. But Louis’ patronizing snort had him abandoning all attempts.  
  
     “Lovely? Mate relax, it’s not like we’ve brought you to meet our mum’s.”  
  
     Harry looked away suddenly feeling like a scolded child again. “I... Sorry. was trying to be polite.”  
  
     “Lou.” Zayn interjected, giving him a pointed look. “Harry actually has manners. Maybe you’ll learn something from him while he’s here.”  
  
     “I’ll have you know I have amazing manners, don’t listen to a word of his lies Harry.”  
  
     “Yeah, the manners of a dog. Anyways come on Styles, I’ll show you to your room.”  
  
     Zayn led Harry upstairs, rattled off the different rooms until we got to one at the end of the hall.  
  
     “I used to work in here, painting and such until I started renting a studio. Sorry if it’s a bit messy.”  
  
     Harry took a step inside the paint splattered room and immediately took a liking to it. There was random graffiti everywhere, drawings pinned to the wall, a bookshelf filled with books- he knew he would love that- and a single bed in the corner of the room.  
  
     “It’s great. Thank you Zayn.” He said quietly, skimming his fingers over the bookshelf.  
  
     “I’m glad you like it. Unpack, change, shower or whatever you want. Make yourself at home, but don’t take too long, Li’s making dinner and his food is amazing. I’m going to shower; seriously Harry, make yourself at home.”  
  
     Harry heard him pad down the hallway and he slowly set his bag on the ground, sitting on the bed. He couldn’t help but run his hands over the sheets as well, clenching his jaw to keep his stupid tears at bay. Harry couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept on an actual bed and not just some ratty old mattress when he’d out grown his bed frame or the cushioning they called beds on base.  
  
     After taking off his shoes and making sure to place them neatly by the bed and out of the way he slowly laid back, a shaky breath escaping his lips as his eyes slid shut. Harry burrowed his head in the soft pillow there feeling all the tension and weight from his body sink into the sheets around him for just a minute.  
  
     ‘ _I’ll only lay here for a minute.’_ He thought, already feeling himself drifting off.

 

 

                                                                                                                                  …

 

 

     Louis slowly crept down the hallway towards the room Harry would be staying in. Zayn had told him to just leave him be, but he'd wanted to properly welcome the boy into their house. In a typical Louis fashion.

  
     So he quietly reached out and twisted the door open, before just loudly pushing it open, letting it hit the wall with a loud bang. But his idea did not have the desired reaction at all.  
  
     Instead of falling out of bed, or any high pitched screaming, the door slamming open had Harry jumping out of his bed and on his feet in seconds. Disorientated, but ready to protect himself if need be. His hand reached to his hips for a phantom weapon that wasn’t there, heart pounding against his chest.  
  
     “Shit! Shit, sorry I didn’t mean to scare you! I mean I did but-”

      “What’s wrong? Is everyone okay?” He asked, anxiously looking around for an immediate danger.

     As Harry’s eye’s adjusted to the different lighting in the room he could now make out Louis standing in the door frame wide-eyed and looking guilty. But that did nothing to relax Harry.

     “No, no everyone’s fine! I swear I’m just… I’m used to waking Liam up like that. You know, it’s my signature thing. I keep forgetting that Zayn and now you… Never mind. Dinners ready if you wanted to um, eat.” He rambled out before backing out the door and scrambling back down the steps, guilty and cheeks flushing pink.

     Harry sat back on the bed and let out a loud, trembling breath he didn’t know he was holding. He kept repeating quietly to himself that he was safe; nothing was going to happen to him here. And after about five minutes, he was still on edge but forced himself to get up. He made quick work of making up the bed and stripping off his uniform jacket before walking down the steps as well.

     Zayn, Liam and Louis were all sitting on the couch, Liam cuddled up under Zayn’s arm with plates in their laps. Louis was sitting on the couch next to them and looked up when Harry stopped at the bottom of the steps.

     “Sorry about barging in on you.” He apologized immediately, smiling guiltily at the boy.

     “Yeah Lou’s a got a knack for grand entrances, you’ll get used to it. Or you know, no one’s objecting if you happen to punch him in the face too.” Liam added, dodging a pillow when Louis threw it at him.

     Harry forced a grin on his at their antics and shook his head. “It’s okay.”

     “Grab a plate and come sit with us!”

     “I’m not all that hungry actually- if that’s alright.”

     Liam raised an eyebrow at him, half in confusion and half in amusement.

     “Are you asking whether you can be hungry or not?”

     Harry swallowed nervously under their heavy gazes. “I…I didn’t want you to think I was being rude. I appreciate you cooking enough for me, and I don’t want it to go to waste.”

     “Trust me it won’t go to waste, it’s okay.” Zayn reassured. “Eat whenever you feel up to it.”

     Harry murmured a quick thank you before shuffling over and sitting in the only seat available next to Louis.

     “What happened to your arm?” Louis inquired, reaching out subconsciously before retracting his hand and raising his questioning eyes to Harry’s.

     God his eyes were so beautiful.

_Shut up. Fucking faggot._

     “That idiot tried to take on an entire squad of at least sixty men on his own when we were outnumbered during an ambush. Got himself shot.” Zayn answered before Harry could even open his mouth.

     “At least I avoided a night raid that could’ve gotten us killed.” Harry snapped without thinking, making everyone fall silent. Once he realized what he had done though, he stumbled over his words to apologize. “I-I’m sorry- I didn’t, god, I didn’t mean to say that- I’m sorry that was out of line and inappropriate and-“

     A soft touch to his shoulder made Harry’s desperate gaze land on Louis’, a familiar tightness working its way up his chest.

     “If it kept you guys safe that’s all that matters yeah?” He said softly.

     Harry just stared at him, unable to do much else other than try to stop his heart from pounding against his rib cage.

      _‘You’re such a fuck up Harry.’_

_‘Can’t even do your own job right. Always getting someone hurt.’_

_‘Maybe you should finally take that gun in your bag and-‘_

     Louis squeezed Harry’s shoulder once more making him focus his attention on him while he smiled again. Then he turned to Zayn and wagged his eyebrows.

     “Maybe you should let Harry here be Sergeant, Z. He’s not bland like you, he’s a daredevil!”

     And just like that the mood was lightened with their bickering, a comment being thrown in here or there from Liam. But Harry, he just sank back into his seat and willed himself to disappear.

     It’s not like anyone would miss him anyways.

 

  
                                                                                                                            …

 

 

     “Disgusting, the two of them huh?” Louis had whispered in Harry’s ear at some point during the night.

     After his brief meltdown, Harry eventually relaxed enough to carry out an actual conversation with them. Long enough to find out that they’d all met each other in college- Louis and Zayn being roommates and Liam meeting them at a local bar.

     “He looked so out of place, bless him.” Louis laughed. “His friend dragged him out the house, then decided to ditch him so we invited him to hang out with us. I swear it was the most bashful Zayn’s been in his entire life. They’ve both been whipped ever since.”

     Harry had also learned that Louis majored in drama and now produced and directed plays and different theatre shows all around London. Liam was still training for medical engineering, and a year before joining the army, Zayn had graduated with double majors. Art and English. When Harry asked why he didn’t pursue art, Zayn just shrugged.

     “I’ve always wanted to be in the Army. Ever since I was little. My Dad was, and I mean; I love art too. But it just felt right joining you know?”

     And no, he didn’t.

     Because he’d joined in a last act of cowardice.

     Because he thought he could escape all his past demons.

     “What?” Harry whispered back, slightly alarmed until he noticed the fond look on his face.

     Louis pointed to the opposite couch where Zayn and Liam were. Zayn’s arms were wrapped around Liam's waist, who was laying in between his legs, tightly like he might disappear if he didn’t. They spoke to each other in hushed tones, occasionally leaning in and kissing the other, exchanging fond, private smiles.

     “I think it’s... nice.” And he really did.

     Every time Zayn leaned in to press a kiss to a random spot on Liam’s face, he’d light up like he was falling in love all over, and vice versa. Harry had never seen or experienced such tenderness exchanged between two lovers before. It was nice. Compared to the “love” he’d witnessed first-hand.

     “How long have they been together?”

     Louis smiled fondly, glancing at the loving couple again. “Going on four years now I think. You’re so lucky though. M’pretty sure the only reason that they’re not shagging each other’s brains out right now is because you’re here.”

     “You know we can still hear you right?” Liam mumbled. “We’re less than two feet away and you couldn’t be quiet if someone paid you to.”

     “Do you honestly want to talk about who has issues keeping quiet, Liam?” Louis asked, innocently. “Harry, have I told you about the time when-“

     “Fuck off Louis.” He interrupted, turning his face into Zayn’s shoulder to hide his burning cheeks, making Zayn and Louis chuckle. Even Harry cracked a smile, despite the heat quickly flooding his face as well.

     "Come on Li, It's late anyways and I'm exhausted." Zayn announced, standing up and pulling him with him. Before leaving though, He turned back to Harry.

     "Make yourself at home. Seriously. Alright?"  
  
     Harry nodded mechanically, softly bidding the couple a good night as they turned and walked up the stairs. Leaving him alone with Louis.

     "Well, I think I'm going to turn in as well Harold. You joining?"  
  
     "Harold?" Harry mindlessly repeated.

     "Sounds a bit more regal than Harry right? I could go for something a bit cuter like Hazza to match if you'd prefer?" He winked, standing up and stretching.

     Harry could feel his cheeks flush a second time against his will at the not-so-subtle flirting and averted his gaze to anywhere but him,

     "I um, would you guys... Can I stay down here a while longer?" He asked quietly.

     Louis shrugged, back already to him as he started up the stairs.  
  
     "Do whatever you want, Harold. Piss in the sink for all I care. Night!"

     Harry watched him until he disappeared, and then listened until he could hear his door close with a soft click before letting himself deflate. He leaned back with a soft sigh, letting his eyes slip shut.

     It was all so unfamiliar. All this.... Normal domesticity. Unnerving almost. Harry wasn't used to being in an environment and not knowing what was expected of him. In the Army he had a place, a constant duty to fulfill. Order. Here though... Here he didn't know what to do with all the kindness and the freedom he was being granted. He was watching his steps carefully- observing to making sure he didn't overstep any invisible boundaries. But, it had been a long time since Harry had ever experienced such small luxuries- a warm, decent bed, home cooked meals and company to share it with.

     And if he had.... It was never a good thing.

    _"Anne go get me another beer!" Robin yelled from his spot on the couch._

_Harry heard his Mother immediately getting up and looked up from his books just in time to see her scramble into the kitchen, flashing a quick smile in his direction._

_"Hey Mom?" He whispered. "Can I talk to you please?"_

_"Not now honey, I've got to bring this drink to your Father. We'll talk later alright?"_

_Harry gritted his teeth against the words threatening to spill out, watching her obediently pull the cap off of a beer and hurry back out to the living room._

_He could never fathom why she's stayed with him for this long. They'd both been living in fear of him for too many years- Harry had eventually resorted to begging time and time again for them to leave. Run away and start their lives over again somewhere safe. But he always got the same answer._

_"I love him. And he loves us. We just always make him so angry, Harry... we have to stop making him angry, that's all."_

_"We could have been happy without you."_  
  
_She's never actually said that part out loud, but he could always hear it. Lingering at the end of her sentences._

      _"This is fucking warm!" Robin spat, jerking Harry from his thoughts._

_"I'm sorry baby. There-there weren't any cold ones left in the fridge."_

_"Well then go put some in there, you worthless bitch! Do I have to do everything in this house!?"_

_Glass shattering against the wall and the sound of his Mum squealing had Harry abandoning his seat at the table without a moments hesitation. Anne was crouched on the floor, Robin towering over her while beer and shards of glass dripped down the wall behind them. He looked up when he heard Harry enter the room and narrowed his eyes._

  _"Got a problem?" He asked, taking a step towards him._

_Instinctively, Harry took one back, clenching his sweaty fist. Even though he was 17 now, Robin was still much bigger and much more intimidating than him. He'd also been conditioned to fear him since he was 6 years old._

_"Leave her alone." He replied, desperately trying to keep the shake out of his voice._

_Robin did nothing but stare at him for a long minute before a smile- one that chilled him to the bone- spread across his lips._

_"Whose going to stop me? Huh? You?"_

_"Robin..." Anne said gently. Then cried out again as he reared back and slapped her across the face._

_Harry Inhaled sharply, blinking against the tears in his eyes. Chest rising and falling rapidly as angry, frustrated puffs of air passed through his nose._

_"I said leave her alone!"_

_That's when Robin's face contorted in anger and he moved towards him. He pushed him once, making him stumble back struggling to stay on his feet. Then he grabbed Harry by the front of his shirt, yanking him forward._

_"You think you're grown up now, huh Harry? You think you're tough boy? I can take you out of this fucking world faster than you were brought into it. You are nothing. A worthless waste of space. " He paused to smile again, drinking in Harry's trembling form. "Hell. Your own Mother doesn't even love you. If I had asked her to get rid of you years ago, she would have without a moments hesitation."_

_Harry mentally cursed himself for the few stray tears that managed to escape his eyes in that moment. He wanted to punch that smug grin right off of his face."_

_"Go rot in hell." He gritted out instead._  
  
_"You just never learn boy." Robin snarled, before pulling his arm back and -_

     Harry jerked awake, arm flying up as a reflex, eyes wide as they flitted around the unfamiliar room in a panic before he remembered where he was. He let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding and ran a trembling hand down his face that had broke out in a cold sweat.

     He hated that he was still there in his mind. A constant presence he couldn't get rid of. No matter how hard he tried and tried to forget.

     After taking a few moments to gather himself, Harry opened his eyes for a second time and allowed himself to observe his surroundings this time. Light was barely shining through the curtains, so he figured it must be really early. Sighing again, he lifted himself up from the couch, quickly fixing it up and walking up the stairs to the room he was staying in. Coming to the conclusion that there was no way he was going to be able to go back to sleep- he got dressed in a pair of track pants and decided to go running to clear his mind.

 

  
                                                                                                                                 ....

 

  
     By the time that Harry made it back to Zayn's, two hours later, he felt much lighter. He was enjoying the grounding feeling of the slight burn in his muscles as he jogged up the steps to the loft.

     He still hesitated at the door though, hand posed to knock. Should he knock? Would they be more angry if he just walked in, or if he woke them up?

     Taking he chances, He slowly pushed the door open, closing it just as gently as he stepped inside, There was commotion coming from the kitchen and instinctively Harry tried to hurry up the stairs without being noticed- but whoever it was noticed him regardless.

     "Harry? Is that you?"

     Harry froze in his spot and turned around right as Louis padded into the room. He was dressed down in a pair of sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt, sleep ruffled hair falling softly around his face.

    _There you go admiring him again. Queer._

     "Hey, good morning." Louis greeted, voice still gruff with sleep.

     Harry's fist clenched and unclenched as he nodded curtly, looking anywhere but Louis.

     "Good morning, you alright?"

     "I should ask you the same thing. Have you been out long? Looks like you ran a mile."

     "And then some. I... I don't like sitting still for too long."

     "Obviously." Louis grinned, shaking his head. Then he nodded towards the kitchen. "Want something to eat? I can't cook for shit, but we've got cereal if you want that. "

     "I can cook something, if you'd like."

     "You're a guest, I couldn't ask you to do that. But I won't stop you if you want to. Now that Zayn is back, I'm not expecting to see Li- let alone breakfast until noon anymore."

     Harry hesitated before saying anything else. Louis staring at him, waiting for him to say something did nothing to help the uneasiness he felt. He didn't want to come across as pushy or rude by insisting.

     Clearing his throat to break the awkward silence, he made a vague gesture to the kitchen, still not meeting Louis' eyes. "I don't mind. I'd like something to occupy my time. As long as its alright with you."

     Louis stepped to the side and saluted him. "Sir! You may proceed to make me a delicious breakfast meal, Sir!"

     Harry let out a surprised bark of laughter, immediately covering his mouth around the obnoxious sound with wide eyes/

     But Louis just smiled brightly, looking accomplished.

     "Cute Laugh." He chuckled.

     Harry ducked his head, quickly brushing past him to the kitchen when he felt his cheeks heating up.

     "So... Have you been in Zayn's division long?" Louis asked after a long lull of silence, just watching him cook. "He can't tell us much, obviously, but he's never mentioned someone he was close with before."

     "I enlisted three years ago." He answered quietly. "He trained me before they promoted him."

     "Oh yeah? How old are you anyways?"

     "Twenty-two."

     "Twenty-two?!" Louis repeated, incredulously. "So you were what? Eighteen? Nineteen? When you joined?"

     "Yes." He answered simply, avoiding looking at him as he started taking food off the stove.

     "That's a bit young, innit? Was your Dad in the Army or something? Is that why you joined?"

     Harry ignored him for the time being, finishing his task of plating their food.

     "You ask a lot of questions." He replied, biting back the snap in his voice, hoping he wouldn't come across as rude. Much to his relief, Louis just laughed.

     "Sorry. I guess I'm just not used to someone being so quiet. You'll see soon, this house is anything but that."

    _"Good."_ He thought. However; Living most of his life in silence, he wasn't sure whether the promise of life relieved or unnerved him more.

     Harry hummed his acknowledgement, setting a plate in front of Louis and stood there long enough to watch him take his first bite, feeling pleased when he made a delighted noise.

     "God, this is so much better than Li's breakfast." He moaned.

     "I'm glad you like it.:

     Harry then turned to the sink and grabbed a sponge. He had only managed to clean one pan before he heard Louis' voice again.

     "What're you doing? Aren't you going to eat?"

     "I have to clean first." He answered immediately. Instinctively.

    _You eat when everything is spotless._

     "Leave it. The cook never has to do the dirty work as long as he's sharing his food. Come on, sit! Let one of the love birds get it later."

     Harry hesitated for what seemed like the hundredth time that morning. Louis was making him go against everything he was programmed to do, and it left an uncomfortable feeling in his gut that he couldn't shake. Almost like dread. Waiting for him to drop the false pretense of being nice.

     Regardless, Harry eventually listened and sat down in the seat across from him while they ate in silence. It wasn't as awkward as it was before- mostly due to the fact that he was trying to hide his amusement at the way the other man was shoveling food into his mouth like he'd starving for weeks.

     "What did that feel like?" He asked suddenly. "Did it hurt?"

     "Did what hurt?"

     Louis pointed to the bandage wrapped around Harry's arm. One that he'd completely forgotten about until now.

     "Oh. Um, no. Not really. Or well, I mean... Yeah it hurt. But I'm used to it, I guess."

     "Not the first time you've been shot then?" Louis asked gently, reaching out again like he had last night. Only this time he didn't stop himself from lightly running his fingers over the dressed wound, making goosebumps rise on Harry's arms.

      _'No,'_  He wanted to say.  _'I'm just used to being hurt.'_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how I feel about this chapter, but I've been staring at it for 4 months 🙊🙊
> 
> SO after ALOT of tweaking and a very long wait, I hope you enjoy!! Its a pretty slow chapter, establishing and building relationships.

     The next week was... uneventful. On Harry's part at least.

     

     He kept mostly to himself, trying to stay out of everyone's way as much as possible. He only came out of his room if it was absolutely necessary and spoke when he had to. Realistically, Harry knew that they were nothing like _HIM_ \- but he still found himself subconsciously reverting back to how he behaved then just to protect the little bit of peace he'd been granted.  
  
     

     Today was no different than any other. Harry was sat in his room, reading some random book he plucked off of Zayn's bookshelf. He'd been sat that way since he'd woken up that morning, so a sudden knock on his door made him jump in surprise. Looking up, Zayn was there leaning up against the threshold and he immediately sat up, closing his book.

     

     Zayn just grinned and pushed off the wall, walking towards the bed.

     

     "At ease soldier." He teased, sitting down in the spot next to him. "No exit, huh? This was one of my favorite plays growing up. 'L'enfer c'est les autres.' "

     

     "Hell is other people." Harry translated. And how true that statement was.

     

     Zayn nodded, eyebrows raising in surprise. "I didn't know you knew french."

     

     Harry shrugged, "I had a lot of free time when I was a kid. My... My Mom and I used to always talk about going to France one day."

 

     The other man hummed, handing the book back to him- but didn't pry for more information. One of the traits he really appreciated about Zayn.

   

     "Are you doing okay? I haven't really seen you out of here in a while."

 

     "Yeah I'm fine." He answered shortly.

 

     "Are you sure? You've been acting weird since we got here. Or you know, weirder than usual." Harry rolled his eyes making Zayn grin for a moment, before his face turned serious again. "I just wanted to make sure we weren't making you uncomfortable or anything. seems like you've been avoiding us."

 

     "No! No Its not you guys." Harry was quick to reassure. "Its ... Just weird to be back and away from base, you know?" Which wasn't a complete lie.

 

     He just didn't mention that being in or anywhere near London made his skin crawl.

 

     "Yeah I know. It felt weird coming back the first time when I'd first joined too. But once you get a routine, it gets easier. So just try to relax, that's what we're here for right?"

 

     Harry nodded, making Zayn smile again.

 

     "Good. Well, I came up here to tell you that me and Li are probably going to be gone until tomorrow. Alone time and all that. Louis' still here though, and I know he would really appreciate the company. If you're feeling up to it."

 

     He stood up then, leaning over to ruffle Harry's hair and gripped it slightly to bring him to his side for a moment before turning to leave.

 

      "Get your ass out of bed, Styles!"

     

     "What happened to 'If I'm feeling up to it'?" Harry yelled after him.

 

     "I lied! Get up, go out. That's an order!"

 

     Harry couldn't help but smile to himself, picking his book up and opening back to the page he was on. After about another hour, long after he'd heard Zayn and Liam leave, he startled at the sound of loud classical music suddenly filling the quiet house. Curious, Harry placed his book back in its rightful spot and slowly made his way down the steps, following the sound to the kitchen. There he found Louis, rummaging through the fridge humming to himself.

 

     "Hey." Harry greeted.

 

     Louis' head snapped up in surprise, face noticeably lighting up he noticed it was him- a reaction that Harry wasn't expecting and didn't understand.

 

     "Hey Hermit." He said, closing the fridge and facing Harry with a smile. "Nice to finally see your face again."

 

     "Sorry. I didn't mean to make it seem like I was avoiding you guys. Zayn said-"

 

     Louis waved him off before he could finish. "Zayn worries too much. He told us you were a bit of a loner, so its no big deal. I guess I should be apologizing for interrogating you the other day."

 

     "No don't. I... I liked talking to you." He admitted, looking down at his feet.

 

     "Yeah? So you wouldn't object to going out with me today?"

 

     "Going out?"

 

     Louis' cheeks colored slightly at that. "I didn't mean- Not 'going out' going out. Just like-"

 

     Louis stopped talking when Harry could no longer hold back his amused smile and he punched him in the arm. Harry was ready to open his mouth with an apology until he heard the laughter that followed.

 

     "Will you hang out with me or not? I was thinking about going out to eat, since there's nothing to eat."

 

     Harry only hesitated for a moment before nodding his head, Smiling again at how enthusiastic the other man seemed to get.

 

     "Good! Get dressed Harold, I'm a very impatient man. You'll learn that sooner or later."

 

     Harry watched him disappear up the steps, slightly confused and a bit amused at Louis' excitement. It made his own nervousness at the thought of leaving the house dissipate. If only a little bit. Snapping out of his slight daze, He followed Louis up the steps to his own room to get ready.

 

*******

 

     "Louis? Do you mind me asking where we are going?"

 

     After they'd both gotten dressed, Louis had quite literally dragged Harry out of the house and to the car when he'd started to change his mind about going out, his anxiety getting the best of him.

 

     Louis looked at him out the corner of his eye and grinned. "The best restaurant in Bradford, hands down. No way can you be here for almost a year and not eat here. I don't know how I'd live with myself knowing I never brought you here."

 

     "Bit dramatic don't you think?"

 

     "You continue to wound me Harold." He said, placing a hand over his heart. "As a drama teacher, I like to enhance my life with colorful theatrics. There's a difference."

 

     Harry chuckled under his breath, shaking his head as Louis finally pulled into what looked to be some type of Italian restaurant. He looked over and smiled excitedly before unbuckling his seat belt and hopping out of the car.

 

     "Move it soldier! I'm starving!"

 

     Harry dutifully followed after him, trying to keep up with the skip in his step, a small amused smiled on his lips.

 

     But that was soon wiped off of his face the moment they walked through the doors. There was a ridiculous amount of people crammed into the small building, all chattering away loudly, overlapping one another making his ears ring.

 

     "I told you- best place in Bradford! Everyone comes here to eat!" He heard Louis say at some point, but it was all lost in the roar that was steadily building up in Harry's head.

 

     He could feel the beat of his heart steadily rising, and his vision turning tunnel as he tried standing up straighter to hopefully diminish the feeling of his lungs shrinking to no avail.

 

     "Harry? Where do you want to sit?"

 

     Harry's eyes snapped to Louis' who was looking at him inquisitively, unaware of his internal struggle.

 

     "Um... Just somewhere quieter. Please." He said, trying to hide the shake in his voice.

 

     "You okay? We don't have to eat here if you don't feel up to it."

 

     "No. No, I'm okay." Harry reassured, more to himself than Louis. "Its just... Loud. I'm not a fan of crowded places. But its fine. We can... We can sit."

 

     Louis studied his face for a moment longer before nodding and motioning for him to follow. He led them to a more secluded area near the kitchen to a booth. It was slightly quieter but still did nothing to calm the panic rising in his chest. Instead, new anxieties presented themselves in the form of not being able to completely see his surroundings and being so far away from exits. Louis, still being unaware of his turmoil continued to idly drone on, picking up his menu while Harry sat bone stiff, eyes darting all around the building- documenting, calculating.

 

      _'No one looks like an immediate threat. One exit where we first came in. Not a clear path. If we can't make it there, there was a fire exit almost ten tables away on my right. If something comes from behind us we could make a covert escape through the kitchen... There would have to be an emergency exit through there. Obstacles would be-'_

 

     A loud series of crashes from Harry's left made him flinch violently, breathing picking up as he quickly turned to find the source. A quick analysis of his surroundings made the only logical conclusion being that it came from the kitchen. That did nothing to stop the vision of gunshots, shattering of beer bottles, and the sparks of explosions from passing in front of his eyes.

 

  _'Its not real Harry, its not real. You aren't there anymore, you're... Where was he right now?'_

 

     "Harry?" Louis called softly, voice still far away.

 

_'Lunch... Lunch with Louis. Were we in danger? Exits...Where are those exits I found?!'_

 

     "Harry- look at me. Focus on me. Everything is okay, there's nothing dangerous here, okay?"

 

     Harry felt a gentle touch on his arm, still hearing Louis speak, but not quite able to make out what he was saying to him yet. He tore his eyes away from the kitchen doors, focusing instead on the cerulean ones looking calmly right back at him. Slowly coming back to himself, his eyes swept around their surroundings noticing the many heads that had turned to look at them, judgmental whispers making his chest feel tighter and tighter-

 

     "Hey."

 

     He felt Louis' hands on his face then, gently directing his attention back to him.

 

     "Come on curly, don't pay attention to them, alright? Will you take a deep breath for me?"

 

     Harry nodded stiffly, sucking in a trembling breath, exhaling when Louis smiled encouragingly at him and repeated the action with him until the black receded in his vision.

 

     "Good. How about you wait for me in the car, yeah? I'll get our food to go and we can just eat at the loft?" Louis suggested.

 

     Without answering him, Harry gently removed his hands from his face and made a beeline for the door, only stopping when he he reached the car. Resting his head on the window he let out a gasping breath, hands trembling where they gripped the exterior.

 

      ** _'You're so pathetic.'_** _HIS_ voice said. **_'Can't even go out in public without screwing something up.'_**

 

     Gritting his teeth, Harry squeezed his eyes shut against the tears threatening to come. After taking a moment to compose himself, he lifted his head up from where he was resting it and calmly got inside of the car, staring straight ahead and waited patiently for Louis to come out.

 

     And when he returned about 20 minutes later, silently getting in the car, Harry continued to stare out the window- too embarrassed to look at him even though he could feel his eyes staring a hole in the side of his head.

 

     "How about we go to the park?" He eventually asked. "Its better than a stuffy restaurant anyways. What do you say? Up for it?"

 

     Harry remained silent for another moment, listening to Louis get situated and start the car.

 

     "Its okay if you don't-"

 

     "The park sounds nice." Harry murmured.

   

     There was another beat as Louis started pulling out of the parking lot and back out into the street. Harry closed his eyes and slumped against the door, drained and wanting nothing more than to go home and sleep for the rest of the day; but he'd already screwed up this day enough. He was determined to try and be normal for once. However, all of the excitement he'd felt previously was completely gone by now- replaced by its usual pessimism.

 

     "The park it is then."

 

********

 

     When they arrived at the park, Harry felt a tiny bit lighter as he stepped out the car. There were only a few people scattered about since it was still cold out, the only sounds being the wind rustling their surroundings and distant voices. Taking a deep breath, he tried to shake off his panic from before; he could still feel it in the way his legs wavered beneath him and the tightness in his gut.

 

     "Come on, I know a really good spot to sit and eat. Me and Liam come here all the time." Louis called, already walking through the grass to a more secluded area.

 

     Grateful, Harry followed slowly behind him to survey the area to familiarize himself with their surroundings.

 

     Dropping the bags and plopping on the ground with a grunt, Louis immediately started digging through the bags. "I didn't really know what you might like, so I got a couple of things and some of my favorites. I figure whatever we don't eat the lovebirds will whenever they get back." Once he pulled everything out of the bags he patted the spot in front of him. "Come on, sit. Don't just stand there like secret service, soldier."

 

     Harry lowered himself to the ground directly in front of Louis, feeling way better than he had at the restaurant- but still felt too exposed. Now that there was all this open space- even though they were essentially alone- He still felt like he had to look over his shoulder every few minutes or so.

 

     "Um... So which one would you recommend?" Harry asked, pointing to the several Styrofoam boxes.

 

     Eagerly, Louis pointed to one in the middle, grabbing and opening the lid for him to see inside.

 

     "Their Spaghetti Bolognese is the best I've had. Its what I get every time, but I'll let you have it this time."

 

     Harry raised an eyebrow. "Should I feel special?"

 

     "Damn right you should."

 

     He chuckled, trying to discreetly look around before grabbing the food offered to him. Louis' smile softened into a understanding one, and before he had time to be confused, the other man started moving all of the food to the side of them.

 

     "What are you doing?"

 

     "Turn around." He said simply.

 

     "What?"

 

     Louis just made a twirling motion with his fingers several times, so Harry slowly turned his body to face away from him, still confused until he heard Louis doing the same thing, scooting back until their backs were touching.

 

     "Now we can both keep watch. Better?"

 

     It was.

 

     Harry could feel his shoulders finally relaxing, the other mans weight leaning against him a solid anchor. He had full view of the park from this angle and Louis' eyes where he didn't.

 

     "Thank you." He breathed out quietly.

 

     "Don't mention it curly. Pass me the box with the fries in it and tell me how much you love the bolognese."

 

     "I'm sorry we couldn't eat inside." Harry apologized, setting his own food on his lap, pushing it around. "I didn't mean to ruin the mood of the trip."

 

     "You didn't ruin anything." Louis reassured, pushing back on him slightly. "You couldn't have known that you would react like that. So no apologies."

 

     Harry smiled down at his food, bringing a forkful up to his mouth eyes widening at the taste. "Holy shit." He blurted out. Then proceeded to quickly apologize for his outburst.

 

     He felt more than heard Louis laugh behind him. "Good right?"

 

     "Really good." He answered shoveling more food into his mouth.

 

     And they ate like that, in a silence that should have been uncomfortable considering they were virtually strangers, but it was the most relaxed Harry had felt in a long time. The cold leaving a welcomed bite on his skin, food warming him up from the inside and the comfort of enjoying the sights in front of him without having to worry about all of his immediate surroundings.

 

     And best of all his roaring mind was finally quiet.

 

     "If you weren't in the Army what would you have done?"

 

     Harry startled a bit at Louis' voice suddenly breaking through the peaceful bubble that had formed around them. It took him a minute to process his question.

 

     "I... I'm not sure." He answered, brows furrowing together as he realized just how true that answer was.

 

     "You never had a dream job? Career or anything? I find that hard to believe."

 

     "I don't know. I guess... I guess I never really thought about stuff like that."

 

     He heard him make a affronted noise. "Well what did you like to do growing up then?"

 

      _'Staying locked in my room away from the monster across the hall.'_

 

     "I use to take pictures a lot."

 

     Louis nudged him. "There you go! What did you take pictures of?"

 

     "People mostly. Landscapes. I didn't have a personal camera, so it was whatever I could do with the school cameras."

 

     "What was your favorite thing you ever got on film?"

 

     Harry had to think for a long moment. He could still remember the feeling of peace he got every time he had a camera in his hand. For one hour everyday he got to escape his own head and capture something beautiful- something to replace the ugly surrounding his heart.

 

     "I had a favorite garden." He finally answered.

 

     "Well come on then Harold! Details, I need details! Imagery!"  


     A unfamiliar giddiness bubbled up in Harry's chest. "Okay, Okay." He answered, laughter in his voice and closed his eyes trying to remember his favorite little safe haven.

 

     "It was a garden that was right across the street from the school. We weren't exactly allowed to go there but-"

 

     "Oh rebel, I like where this is going."

 

     Harry rolled his eyes pretending he wasn't interrupted. "-But I always ended up there anyways. It was small and there weren't a lot of flowers- but it was set up like a traditional Chinese Garden almost. Rock works, really nice aged lanterns, colorful trees. I don't know why I liked it so much. It was a quiet type of beauty. Made me calm,"

 

     "Sounds beautiful." Louis said sincerely. "I'd love to see some of your pictures one day. You should get a camera while you're here and maybe you and Z could do something together. You'd make his little nerd heart burst with joy."

 

     Harry laughed lowly. "What about you? Why'd you decide to become a drama teacher?"

 

     "Ah, because I love kids. I'd always wanted to be a teacher, but the idea of sitting in some stuffy classroom with a chalkboard and two piece suit made me miserable. I've always been big into music and theater too, so I figured why not just combine all three? Do what I love and give kids a creative outlet."

 

     Harry nodded his head, impressed. "You sound like you really love it."

 

     "I really do. I want to have my own theater one day, teach classes and have all self productions."

 

     Harry hummed his response and they lapsed back into silence as they both finished their food.

 

     "If you only had one day to live, what would you do?"

 

     Harry nearly choked on his food at the sudden change in the conversation. "Sorry what?" He coughed, turning his head slightly to make sure he hadn't miss heard him.

 

     "If you only had one day to live, what would you do?" He repeated.

 

     "Why... Why would you ask that?"

 

     "Its called an icebreaker, Harold. I'm trying to get to know you better."

 

     "That's a extreme icebreaker, don't you think? Not to mention a dramatic change from asking me what my hobbies are."

 

     He felt him shrug. "I think you can tell a lot about a person by what they might do in an apocalyptic situation."

 

     Harry could do nothing but sit in a stunned silence- slightly amused and very confused.

 

     "Well?" Louis asked again after a beat.

 

     "I mean. I don't know? Can't really say I've given it much thought." He answered.

 

     Louis nodded, "Well I think I'd want to spend it reliving some of my greatest hits first. Go to places I loved as a kid, spend sometime with my family and friends, go streaking again."

 

     "Again?" He asked incredulously.

 

     "My college years were some of the best years of self discovery. Anything is possible when you're high as a kite 24/7."

 

     Harry couldn't help it, he threw his head back onto Louis' shoulder unable to hold back his laughter.

 

     "You're ridiculous."

 

     Louis turned his head to smile widely at him. "If it got you to laugh like that, I count that as win though."

 

     Harry felt his cheeks heating up and quickly straightened up looking down at his now empty container. Louis just gently nudged his back again before getting up.

 

     "Come on it's starting to get colder and my butt is going numb."

 

     They both cleaned up their mess, packing up the left over food before trekking back to the car, making their way back to the loft.

 

     "Thank you, Louis." Harry said quietly once they'd been driving for a while. It was almost as if his episode at the restaurant had never happened. He still felt that bone deep exhaustion- but it was a different type of tired this time. Filled with an unfamiliar kind of contentment instead of dread. Harry couldn't quite remember if he'd ever felt this way, and didn't know how to feel about it; but he welcomed the new feeling none the less.

 

     Louis glanced at him out the corner of his eyes, grinning. "No need to thank me. This was fun! Maybe now you won't be such a hermit and come out every once in a while." He teased.

 

     "Hm. Maybe if you promise not to ask absurd questions anymore."

 

     Louis shot him a look before looking at the road again. "Oi! Where is this sass coming from all of a sudden? I thought we were friends now!"

 

     Harry just hid a grin, turning back to look out his window, a warm feeling spreading through his body.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter I've written to date and it didn't even take me another three months! Some warnings for this chapter, because Harry goes through it in this one 🙊
> 
> Homophobic Language  
> Self-Harm  
> Panic Attack (barely there, but still)  
> Graphic description of abuse
> 
> I hope you like this chapter!

       

        A couple of days after their outing, Harry did slowly start venturing out of his room more. Sometimes it was just joining everyone for a meal. Sometimes it was coming downstairs to talk for a few minutes whenever he heard one or all of them going about their day. Or sometimes it was just sitting quietly and listening when he wasn't really up for socializing, but still wanted to try and be present. It was a very slow work in progress, trying to adjust to the normality of their interactions- but progress none the less.

 

        Today was one of those days. A good day. Harry had gotten up early again to go for another one of his early morning runs, and by the time he'd returned to Zayn's loft, he could hear them all in the kitchen the faint smell of turkey bacon wafting through the house. He hesitated for a moment by the front door, briefly wondering if they'd mind him intruding on their time like that, but quickly pushed that feeling down, heading towards the source of all the commotion.

 

        "Hey good morning! You're just in time, Li just finished cooking." Zayn greeted him warmly. He motioned to a empty chair at the table where Louis also was, slumped over a cup of coffee. "Sit down and eat with us."

 

        Harry nodded his agreement and took a seat next to Louis who still looked half asleep.

 

        "Morning Louis." Harry said quietly.

 

        But all he got was a long drawn out groan in return.

 

        "Its too early to be this active and..." Louis made an aborted motion with his hand before it slumped back against the table. "Alive."

 

        "Its past 11 Louis, stop grumbling and sit up so we can eat."

 

        Liam walked to the table and set the food down in front of them before swatting at his neck with a loud slap, that made Louis yelp in surprise.

 

        "Up." Liam said more sternly this time.

 

        "Yes Mom." Louis mumbled, finally leaning back in his seat and stretching

        

        Unconsciously, Harry's own spine straightened up hearing that order. He knew there was no serious malice in his voice, nor was it directed to him, but it still made the hairs on his arms stand up.

 

**_'You disrespectful brat.'_**

 

**_'l'll make sure to teach you some manners.'_ **

 

        Harry cleared his throat, looking up at Liam with a small smile. "I can get plates for everybody. You should sit since you did the cooking." But before he could even get up, Zayn was at his side placing a heavy hand on his shoulders keeping him in his seat.

 

        "I've got it. You sit too, you don't need to do everything." He squeezed his shoulder once, before heading back to the kitchen, stopping to kiss Liam's cheek. "Why are you so tired anyways Lou? I thought classes didn't start again until next week."

 

        Louis groaned again. "They do, I was up all night working on my play for the end of next quarter." He answered.

 

        "Still?" Liam asked, taking the plates from Zayn's hands and placing them in front of everyone. "I thought you finished that ages ago."

 

        "Yeah, you were working on that thing before I even deployed again." Zayn added.

        "No I scrapped that one. This is a new one and I've got the worst writers block."

 

        "I didn't know you wrote the plays for the theater." Harry stated, patiently waiting for everyone to make their plates before he grabbed any food.

 

        "I don't usually." Louis said, shoveling food into his mouth. "My class was picked this year to put on the end of the year show, so they asked me to write something original to be put in a draw with some other teachers there. I've got a month to get it submitted or it won't be in the running and its absolute shit so far."

 

        "You always say that and it always comes out amazing, stop being so dramatic." Liam quipped.

 

        "I'm a drama teacher, it comes with the territory Payno. Shut up and hand me those pancakes, yeah?"

 

        Liam made an offended noise, and Harry just shook his head and finally reached up to get his own food listening as they began to bicker back and forth. He made eye contact with Zayn across the table who rolled his eyes, smiling fondly at the pair.

 

        "Any plans for today?" Zayn asked him, tuning out the other two. "Going out the other day seemed to do you some good."

 

        Harry shrugged. He started to open his mouth to tell him that he was going to do the same thing that he always did- lock himself in his room with a book to keep his mind busy enough not to wander. But the truth was, ever since him and Louis had lunch he'd been thinking a lot about the question that he asked him.

 

       _''You've never had a dream job?''_

 

        Because what he'd answered was true- he hadn't ever given much thought to what he would do when he got older. Never thought he'd be around long enough to try and build a life or a career of his own. But the more he thought about it, he did realize how much he genuinely enjoyed and missed taking pictures. Missed the peace that it brought him to capture something beautiful on film that would remain that way forever. Frozen.

 

        And unable to be tainted.

 

        "I... Uhm, actually I was thinking of going out to get a camera today. Maybe go take some pictures." He finally answered, pushing the food around on his plate missing the way Zayn's eyebrows raised in surprise.

 

        "Really?" Louis piped up excitedly, making Harry look up and meet his gaze. "That's great Harry!"

 

        "Yeah Styles, that's really nice. It'll be good to have something to do while you're here."

 

        Harry nodded, looking down at his food again, cheeks warming from the attention. He stayed that way for the remainder of breakfast, content to just listening to them talk. His own head was reeling trying to justify the sudden warm feeling that had settled in his chest at the praises.

 

        Afterwards, Harry excused himself upstairs to his room where he took his time showering and changing his clothes, trying to psyche himself into going out on his own, nervousness steadily growing. The thought of being around so many people out in the open and unprotected- exposed- made an uneasy feeling settle into his stomach. There were so many **_"What ifs?"_**

 

        What if there was a threat?

 

        What if he had a panic attack in public? Would people point their fingers, think of how pathetic he was? A grown man, a soldier, losing his shit in broad daylight?

 

        What if there were too many people? To many noises, too many touches, too much stimulation?

 

        What if he saw _him_?

 

        Harry shook his head immediately at that thought, trying to expel it from his head. No. It wasn't possible. He was far away from here, somewhere he couldn't hurt him anymore.

 

        But what if-

 

        There was a knock on the door that made Harry's head snap up, interrupting his internal turmoil. But before he even had a chance to get up and open his door, whoever it was already walking in.

 

        "Hey, so I was wondering what time you were leaving? I needed to get a couple of things too, so I thought we could go together. And honestly I could really do with the break from writing I-"

        

        Louis paused in the middle of his sentence, stopping mid-step when he noticed Harry just looking at him with a blank expression.

 

        "Right. Sorry, privacy. I keep forgetting you aren't- should I go outside and knock again?"

 

        Harry just stared at him for another moment before his lips quirked up in a small amused smile, lightening the building tension growing in his stomach. The hysteria he was feeling previously still lingered there just under the surface, but Louis' unsuspected entrance managed to push it to the back burner. A welcomed distraction. For now.

 

        "Seriously, I can go back out and knock and wait for an answer this time. I'm sorry for just barging in like that." He repeated after the continuous silence.

 

        "You're already in here now, there's no reason to do that." Harry stated, going back to pulling on his socks.

 

        Louis ran a hand through his hair, looking down at the ground sheepishly. "Yeah, sorry about that."

 

        "Its okay, Zayn did give me fair warning that you had the manners of a dog."

 

        "So much sass from you lately!" He exclaimed, plopping onto the bed next to him. "I don't know whether to be proud or offended." He sighed. "So, do you mind me tagging along? If you wanted to be alone its no big deal, I just thought we could kill two birds with one stone."

 

        "No." Harry answered too quickly, keeping his eyes focused on lacing up his shoes. "I mean, no I don't mind you coming with me, Its not like I'm doing something important anyways."

 

        "You made a decision to go out and buy a camera to do something that you love. I think that's plenty important, don't put yourself down."

 

        Louis jumped up and off the bed suddenly, making his way back out the door before Harry had a chance to say anything.

 

        "I'll get my stuff and meet you downstairs Haz!" He called over his shoulder.

 

        Harry huffed out a breath, continuing what he was doing. He couldn't help but notice that every time Louis came around, his mind went silent. His presence was like a tornado every time; not necessarily destructive- but no corner is left untouched when he's in the room. The way he can fill up an entire space was overwhelming sometimes, but Harry couldn't help but focus all of his energy on him every single time.

 

        _**'That's because you like him, Fag'**_

 

        Harry dropped the shoe he was holding, panic spiking in his chest. No.

 

        No he didn't. He couldn't. He couldn't think like that.

 

        It was wrong.

 

      ** _'You're an abomination. Disgusting.'_**

 

        Harry jumped to his feet, swallowing his panic and quickly grabbed his shoe again, pulling it on with shaking fingers. He buried that thought to the back of his head, repeating to himself that it wasn't true and he would not think like that. Not anymore.

 

 

                                                                                                                          ***************

 

 

        _"Take your shoes off, we can't get anything dirty." Harry whispered, quietly shutting the door behind them._

 

_"Why're you whispering? I thought you said no one was home?" Nick asked, shrill voice bouncing of the walls of the silent house making Harry flinch._

 

_Robin was working late, as usual, and Tuesday was the one day his Mum was allowed to go out shopping for them all without supervision._

 

_"Sorry. Its a... Never-mind. Lets go up to my room."_

 

_Harry lead the way up the steps, heart pounding in his chest he'd never done anything like this before. Never gone against Robins wishes. He made sure to pause at the top of the steps and carefully listened to make sure that the house was indeed empty._

 

_"Christ. You're acting like the FBI is waiting for you or something." Nick snickered under his breath._

 

_Harry huffed, annoyed and embarrassed and grabbed his wrist pulling him into his room and shutting the door behind them. He took a moment to shut his eyes and breathe to calm his erratic heart, grinning minutely. He did it. Finally did something HE wanted to do for a change and it was the best Harry had felt in a while._

 

_Feeling proud of his small triumph, Harry turned back to Nick, smile on his face until he saw the one of distaste on his as he looked around his less than spectacular room._

 

_There was no t.v, no games, no color- just a stack of books and a mattress lay bare in the middle of the room._

 

_"I mean Its nice and all..." Nick started. "very uh, minimalistic."_

 

_Harry let our a nervous laugh. "No, its just, i'm- we're in the middle of redecorating. That's-that's why my Mum is out right now. She's picking me out some new furniture and stuff but-"_

 

_"Harry."_

 

_Harry's lips snapped shut and he hid his trembling hands behind his back._

 

_Nick smirked and took a few steps closer to him. "You don't have to explain yourself, it doesn't make me like you any less."_

 

_Harry blushed, looking to his feel, embarrassed. But Nick just put a finger under his chin, making him look the boy in the eyes._

 

_"You know, its pretty adorable seeing you get all flustered though."_

 

_"Stop." Harry said, turning even redder, biting his lip against a pleased smile._

 

_Nick took another step closer, until he was invading Harry's space. "Don't think I will actually."_

 

_And with that, Nick's lips were on his._

 

_Harry was frozen to his spot. Half in shock and half in delight. His first kiss! He smiled into it, unable to help himself and tried his best to mimic the movements of Nicks lips. He was so caught up in the moment that he didn't hear the door open and close downstairs. or the heavy boots on the steps._

 

_"Where the hell is your Mother boy? I thought I said neither-"_

 

_Harry jumped apart from Nick so quick with a terrified gasp that almost sent them both tumbling._

 

_"Robin!" Harry exclaimed, heart thundering and dread settling in the pit of his stomach._

 

_Robin's eyes filled with disgust, flickering back and forth between him and the boy who was now watching this with wide eyes._

 

_"What the hell is this?" He angrily asked, making Harry flinch and curl in on himself._

 

_"M-m-mum is at the s-store. Its Tuesday r-remember. She always-"_

 

_"Stop fucking stuttering, I asked you a goddamn question!" He yelled._

 

_Harry's breath caught in his throat and his hands started trembling again. Nick, noticing the boys obvious distress gently stepped forward._

 

_"My names Nick sir. Harry and I were just-"_

 

_"Was I talking to you, boy? Get the hell out of my house you fucking queer."_

 

_Nick blinked twice in rapid succession, speechless. But when he seemed to compose himself and open his mouth again, Harry quickly stepped in._

 

_"Nick go home. Please just go. Now" He pleaded, eyes cast down trying to hide the tremor in his voice._

 

_"Protecting your boyfriend, Harry?" Robin asked, a cruel smile spreading over his lips. "Wonder if he can protect you."_

 

_Nick turned his wide eyes on Harry who didn't see, too busy fighting the morbid fear coursing through his veins. Robin pointed towards the door._

 

_"Harry isn't allowed to have any guest. Get out. Didn't your parents teach you some respect boy?"_

 

_Nicks eyes remained on Harry, who finally raised his head to watch the scene unfolding in front of him. He tried to manage a shaky nod, body tensed for what he knew was to come as soon as he walked out of that door._

 

_"Go. Please. I'll be fine. Everything's fine. I promise." Harry whispered. He wasn't sure who he was trying to convince at this point._

 

_He hesitated for another moment before finally walking to the door and leaving. Harry watched Robin wearily as they both listened to the thud of his footsteps until the front door was opened and closed. He barely had time to brace himself before a fist connected with his cheek, knocking him off of his feet. A foot quickly followed, hitting him square in the ribs making bile rise up his throat. White spots danced in his vision and the sharp taste of metal filled his mouth._

 

_"You disgusting, disrespectful piece of shit!" He roared. "After all I do, I come home and find you with someone in MY house without permission?! And its a fucking boy?! What, you a faggot now boy?"_

 

_"N-no I-"_

 

_Harry wheezed when all the air was stolen from his lungs by a foot connecting with his stomach again._

 

_"Shut up! You talk when I say, and I don't want to hear your fucking voice."_

 

_Robin kicked him again, foot catching the underside of of his jaw head flying back. He was quiet, breathing heavily out of his nose like a raging bull, while Harry lay there, sobbing and wheezing. Trying to make himself as small as possible. But then Robin squatted down, yanking him by the roots of his hair._

 

_"You're disgusting." He spat. "You hear me? A fucking abomination. I always knew you were fucked up in the head, but this is a new level- even for you. You are not to talk to that boy, or any other boy. Look at them or even think about them. It's not natural. Understand me?"_

 

_Harry just continued sobbing, letting out a yelp when the hand in his hair tightened._

 

_"Answer me, Faggot!"_

 

_"Yes!"_

 

_"Yes what?"_

 

_"Y-yes sir, I understand! Please... Please I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, please no more..."_

 

_"And if I even suspect you're having those unnatural thoughts again, I'll beat it out of you until all you know is first name." He grinned again. "If I'm feeling that generous."_

 

_Harry just kept repeating his plea until finally Robin let his quivering body hit the ground, immediately curling up and pressing his hands over his ears._

 

_"Goddamn waste of space..." He mumbled one last time, before slamming the door as he left._

 

 

                                                                                                                         *********************

 

 

        "Hey Haz, I think I see camera's over here!" Louis called, over his shoulder to Harry who was trailing behind him.

 

        They'd decided to walk to the store today since it wasn't too far from Zayn's house, making small talk the entire way. But as soon and Harry saw the building appear, the anxiousness that had been pushed back earlier started rearing its ugly head again. Walking into the store, it was like the restaurant all over again- too many noises, too many voices all over lapping each other. Too many flashing screens and people walking around. It made Harry clench his fist together, agitated by it all. All he'd wanted was a peaceful trip to get something he wanted for once and he couldn't even get that.

 

        He sped up slightly to catch up with Louis who was now standing in front of a display of camera's. There were at least 15 to choose from and Harry felt himself grow even more frustrated because he didn't even know where to begin to find the right one that he wanted.

 

        "So what kind did you want? I don't know what kind of budget you have, but there are some good choices at least."

 

        "I just want something simple."

 

        Louis hummed. "Well, there's action cameras, compact cameras, long range ones, a couple DSLR's- which is probably more your style based off what you said you like to take pictures of. They take really good-"

 

        "I don't know what any of that means." Harry said, shortly. A familiar roar steadily growing in his head.

 

        "A DSLR? Just that it takes higher resolution pictures and has a bunch of settings you can play around with. Oh and look!"

 

        Harry didn't turn to pay him any mind, eyes flitting over the cameras in front of him, hoping one would just jump out at him and make the decision for him so he could pay, leave and be done. And the longer he stared, the more he could feel the anger boiling inside of him.

 

       _ **'You can't do anything. Its so simple and you can't even do this.'**_

 

_**'Useless sack of shit.'** _

 

_**'Worthless.'** _

 

        "Look Haz, they even have Polaroids here! For some reason I feel like this would fit you, you look like a Polaroid type. You've seen these before right? The ones that instantly print the pictures after you take them? You should get one of these too, for whenever you-"

 

        "Do you ever stop talking?" He finally snapped, whipping around to look at Louis who had frozen in shock, a camera in his hand. "Can I pick out a camera without you talking my fucking ear off? Please? I can't hear myself think."

 

        Louis continued to stand there, too stunned to even respond as Harry turned back to the camera's, hands shaking by his side. The roar still getting louder and louder.

        "I'm going to go get what I came here for." He eventually spoke up. "I'll meet you at the front when you're finished."

 

        Harry took a deep breath when he heard him walking away, lifting his hands up and digging the palms into his eyes until he was seeing white. He immediately felt the anger drain away, replaced now by guilt.

 

        Why the hell did he just do that? He didn't know where that irrational anger had come from; it just kept building and building for no solid reason until it was consuming him. He wanted to cover his ears against the roar of the voice in his head.

 

        _ **'You hurt everyone you're around. You're no better than him.'**_

 

_**'You're just a fuck up.'** _

 

        Harry slid his hands up from his eyes to his hair pulling on the short strands, so hard that his knuckles turned white. He stayed like that until the pain he felt was strong enough for the storm brewing inside of him to begin to settle. He slowly became aware of the sounds around him again, blinking his eyes to rid himself of the splotches of white dancing there. He released his hair, letting the residual sting continue to keep him present. He continued to stand there like that, back to staring at the camera's blankly before he autonomously picked one of the ones Louis called a DSLR.

 

        He felt like he was on autopilot as he moved to pick up some batteries as well before moving to go to the check out. But he paused for a split second, turning back to look at the Polaroid camera's. Louis wasn't far off in thinking it'd be a good fit for him. Harry loved Polaroid's. He remembered how much he used to love the one his Mom had and how she'd even gone out to buy him a little box to hide it in to make sure he could keep it for as long as possible.

 

        _"This will be our little memory box, Harry. Something just for me and you that. Our secret."_

 

        Without having to think about it too long, he grabbed one of those along with a couple things of film off the shelf before continuing on his way to to the front of the store. The guilt hit him full force again when he was in line and saw Louis there, sitting on one of the benches and squinting down at his phone. He was genuinely shocked that he had actually waited for him even after how he treated him.

 

        After he was rung up, Harry hesitantly approached the other man, who was too engrossed in whatever he was doing on his phone to notice him.

 

        "Hey." Harry said awkwardly, keeping his gaze downcast.

 

        Louis finally looked up, pocketing his phone. "Oh hey. Find everything you need?"

 

        Harry nodded. "Yeah I, uh, I got the DSLR camera you were talking about and the Polaroid."

 

        "Good, it's always good to have options." He grabbed the bags that were next to him on the bench and made for the door. "Do you mind if we take the long way home? I still want to waste some time before I have to get back to writing."

 

        "Yeah, yes that's fine. We can do that." Harry stumbled to say, following him out the doors.

 

        The walk home was spent in complete silence, which made the guilt eat Harry alive. He didn't want Louis to be mad at him, not when he'd just started allowing himself to consider him as a friend. And the apology he wanted to give was sat thick on his tongue, but he couldn't open his mouth to say it. Partially out of fear he'd be rejected and because he didn't think anything he said would be good enough.

 

        "What- What is your play about?" He blurted out, breaking the prolonged silence. He chanced a glance over at his face, but Louis kept his gaze straight ahead.

 

        Louis didn't answer for a moment, making Harry look back down at his shoes, bringing his hands together behind his back and fiddling with them nervously.

 

        "Its a dystopian story." He started, quietly. Harry's head snapped back up to look at him as he spoke. "I'm still working out what I want to focus the plot on, but so far i'm thinking this is several years into the future and humanity is rebuilding itself after some type of tragedy. And they're in the middle of a rebellion because the people who have survived are split into two factions- the rich people who govern now and the people who lost everything- the rebels. But- there's also a colony of people that made it to space to escape and neither of them know the other exist until someone crash lands on earth one night."

 

        Harry bit back a smile watching as Louis got more and more animated the more he went on. He started to speak with his hands, an excited gleam in his eyes.

 

        "Basically history is repeating itself mixed in with a bit of star-crossed lovers. And yeah, that's about as far as I've gotten." He shrugged dismissively. "I know its kind of a played out concept, but my kids loved the idea and I think it'll be fun to try and make it different."

 

        "Its not played out, its a really good plot, Louis." Harry said, genuinely. "Sounds like something you'd go to the movies and see. You'll do great at directing it."

 

        Louis smiled up at him briefly. "Thanks Haz." He said before stopping in his tracks. Harry slowed his steps as well, looking at him confused as he stuck out his hand. "Lets see that camera you got, the Polaroid."

 

        Harry reached in his bag, pulling it out and handing it to him along with a roll of film. Louis made quick work of loading it and then started walking backwards, grinning mischievously as he snapped a quick picture of him. Harry blinked in surprise.

 

        "Come on Harold, give me your best vogue." He exclaimed, taking another photo and waving it a few times before putting it in his back pocket to develop.

 

        Harry started walking again trying to catch up, shaking his head in amusement.

 

        "That's more awkward deer, not quite vogue, but we'll take it." Another click.

 

        "You're going to waste all of my film."

 

        Louis stopped walking again. "You're right. You should be taking pictures of only the best pieces of scenery. Here," He said handing him the camera and then walking a bit of distance away. "Photograph me like one of your french girls."

 

        He struck a dramatic pose, with the added touch of flipping the camera off, making Harry laugh as he raised the lens to his eye and snapped the picture.

 

        "I'm pretty sure that's not the way that saying goes." Harry said, doing the same thing as Louis and quickly putting the picture in his pocket.

 

        "And I'm pretty sure you need to have a little imagination." He replied, snatching the camera back and looking in the view finder, but not taking anymore pictures as they lapsed into silence again.

 

        "Hey Lou?" Harry started quietly, ringing his hands together again. Louis hummed his acknowledgement. "I'm really sorry about what I said to you earlier. I wasn't... I didn't mean what I said. Just, sometimes I get so anxious and-and angry, and I don't know why and It's like...." Harry huffed, struggling to find the words he needed to explain himself. "Its like this pressure in my head that just builds and builds... I know that's not an excuse for anything, but, I just wanted you to know that I am sorry. You didn't deserve that."

 

        Louis finally lowered the camera and look at Harry, gaze unwavering and understanding. "You're right, I didn't deserve that. But I appreciate your apology and accept it." Harry let out a relieved sighed, tension that he didn't even know he was holding, falling from his shoulders. "I wasn't really mad or anything, a little hurt, but I think I understand what you were feeling like and I'm sorry If I was making that feeling worse for you. Zayn says he feels that way outside sometimes too. Like everything is too much all at once."

 

        "Yes exactly!" Harry agreed, nodding his head. "Its... sometimes all that stimulation is too much and it makes me feel..."

 

        "Overwhelmed?"

 

        "Yes, that." He breathed out, relieved he was understanding.

 

        Louis smiled again, raising the camera again to snap a close up picture of his face. "Well, thank you for letting me know. I'll try to be more aware the next time we're out, okay? Trials and tribulations, Harold. It's all a learning process, we're still getting to know each others ups and downs, but its okay. We're okay, yeah?"

 

        Harry nodded, still confused and baffled that Louis was so forgiving. He couldn't fathom how the other man could just accept how much of a fuck up he was and still want to be around him. That he would _want_ a next time.

 

        He took advantage of Harry being lost in his head for a moment and started jogging backwards, camera up to his eye.

 

        "Come on, we've still got fifteen minutes until we're home and I want to make you the next Tyra Banks by the time we get there!"

 

 

        

                                                                                                           ***********************

 

 

        

        Harry was completely disorientated and confused when he jerked awake suddenly. He sat upright, panic slowly bubbling up inside him, breathing ragged. He squeezed his eyes shut, digging his nails into the palm of his hand as hard as he could, all the while biting his tongue against the noise of terror ebbing its way up his throat.

 

        He tried to get the sheets off of his overheated body, but his mind was too fogged up to process the action. Instead he ends up fighting against the comforter, slipping off of the bed and onto the floor, trying to run away for some reason that his conscious mind can't catch up to. All he knows is he has to get away. Now.

 

        Bed? Harry manages to think past the fog in his brain. Why was he in a bed? Harry knows that where he is supposed to be didn't have that small luxury, but his thoughts are a mess and it takes a while longer until he can place the reason why.

 

        Zayn's house. He's at Zayn's house. He's safe, he's not there. He's not-

 

        Harry tries to breathe. He keeps his eyes closed and focuses on the small sting that is starting to spread throughout his clenched fist. Its a familiar pain. Comforting, rooting him in the moment and helping clear away the fog. Eventually, his breathing slows down and he opens his eyes gradually, blinking a few times to get them to focus and taking in his surroundings. Its dark, but he can just barely make out the bright colors of paint splattered on the walls, the bookshelf lined with books he hasn't read yet, his own shoes lined up perfectly at the edge of his bed. The more he looks around, the more he can feel the pounding of his heart slow, the validity of his surroundings calming the panic in his chest.

 

        He slumps from where he is sitting on the ground, the tension leaving his body as he gingerly unclenched his shaking fist. He raised a thumb to hover over his palm where the crescent shaped marks started to bleed and pressed harder and harder until all he could think of was the sharp prick of pain working its way up his arms.

 

        "You're not there." He whispered out loud. "You're not there... You're not there.."

 

        He repeated that to himself until the trembling in his body subsided and all that was left was exhaustion in the place of fear. But Harry knew sleep was futile at this point. So he slowly untangled himself from his sheets and stood up, walking to his door and down the steps. He made his way through the house to the porch door, quietly sliding the door open and shut behind him, stepping out into the biting cold. Taking a deep breath, Harry sat on the ground near the railing, foregoing the bench and resting his back against it instead, He brought his knees up to his chest, closing his eyes and let the cool air and soft sounds of the nightlife invade his senses, keeping him present.

 

        He wasn't sure how long he was sat out there, but the sound of the door sliding open again and a loud gasp drew him out of his thoughts.

 

        "Fuck Harry. You scared the life out of me! What are you even doing out here?" He heard Louis ask.

 

        Harry shrugged, not bothering to glance back at him, drawing his knees up closer. "I couldn't sleep. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

 

        There was a pregnant pause with neither of them saying anything before he heard Louis turn and walk back into the loft. Harry closed his eyes again, thinking he'd been left alone- but a couple minutes later Louis returned and he startled slightly when he felt something being draped over his shoulders. He finally looked up just in time to see Louis drop his own blanket on the bench behind him and lean down to pick up two mugs, extending one to him.

 

        "Here, Its chamomile tea. It'll warm you up and its supposed to help you sleep. How long have you been out here? Its freezing tonight."

 

        Harry only stared at him, eyes flickering from his face to the cup, before slowly reaching out and taking it from him. And he was right- Harry hadn't realized just how cold he was until his fingers touched the warmth of the cup, immediately curling them around it completely to get the chill from his bones. He took a sip, sighing as it made it way down his throat, the lingering warmth curling in his stomach.

 

        "Thank you." He whispered.

 

        Louis smiled in response, plopping onto the seat and curling up under his own blanket. He pulled a journal and a pack of cigarettes from under him.

 

        "Mind if I join you?" He asked, shaking the pack of smokes.

 

        Harry shrugged again. "Smoking isn't good for you." He stated simply before, turning to face the street again.

 

        He heard a snort behind him and the flick of a lighter. "You sound like Liam now. And he's one smack on the ass away from becoming my Mum at this point."

 

        Harry hid his face in his arms to hide a laugh.

 

        "Why are you awake this late?"

 

        "I asked you first."

 

        "And I answered you. I couldn't sleep."

 

        "What a bullshit answer."

 

        "It's the truth though."

 

        "Obviously. Unless you've just been sleep talking to me this entire time."

 

        He felt something poke into his back and he flinched at the unexpected touch, scrambling to get away from it until he realized it was just Louis' foot.

 

        A thick silence fell over them and Harry pulled his blanket around him tighter, embarrassment settling in his chest. He hadn't meant to flinch away. He didn't do it consciously. But his nerves were still frayed from the nightmare and the thought of any type of touch made his skin crawl.

 

        Harry cleared his throat and turned his head slightly to face him. "I'm sorry. I... Uhm... I didn't mean to flinch away from you. It wasn't... Sorry."

 

        "Don't apologize." He said softly, a slight smile grazing his lips. "No harm done."

 

        Harry nodded, resting his chin on his arms. "Are... Are you still worried about your play?"

 

        Louis groaned, head falling back against his seat. "I'm never going to get any sleep until I finish it. I have all of these ideas in my head, but I can't put them into words. Or I can- but they never look as good on paper as in my head."

 

        "Why don't you say it out loud? Working through it out loud might help some." He suggested quietly.

 

        "I'll pass on looking like the maniac mumbling to himself going down the street."

 

        "You... You could read it to me if you want? I don't know much about literature or theater but I'm a decent listener. And I uh, I wanted to hear more. Of your story."

 

        Louis just hummed, contemplating it. Harry could hear the rustle of Louis going through his writings.

 

        "Sure Harold, why not. No judging until I finish though, okay? I'm trusting you to be a professional critic."

 

        Harry nodded, closing his eyes and getting comfortable as Louis opened his mouth and started to read.

 

 

                                                                                                                         ~~~~~~~~~

 

 

        

        "Harry...Harry wake up."

 

        Harry startled awake for the second time that morning, tired brain trying to find the voice that had woken him up. Soon enough his eyes settled on Louis who had a gentle smile on his face.

 

        "Hey, you should go to bed. Its pretty early now." He stated.

 

        Harry squinted, confused because he couldn't even remember when he had dozed off. He turned to look out at the street and sure enough he could see the first rays of light making their way across the sky. He tried to rack his brain for when he'd been lulled to sleep but the last thought he could remember thinking is that his voice was soft and murmurous and comforting- silvery like his mothers when she use to read to him. Safe.

        

        "Sorry I didn't- I wasn't supposed to go to sleep. Your- I was helping you with your play." He stumbled over his words, voice still thick with sleep.

 

        "You did don't worry. You looked like you could use the sleep. You were right though, reading it out loud really helped me. I even got some more writing done while you were checking your eyelids." He joked, but all Harry's sleep riddled brain could do was stare at him making him laugh. "Come on then, you look like a washed up puppy. Lets go to sleep."

 

        Louis got up and stretched out all of his kinks, waiting patiently for Harry to wake up a little more before he was able to follow suit, shuffling in the house ahead of him and up the stairs.

 

        "Hey Haz?" Louis called, when they were about to go their separate ways. Harry grunted, just barely stopping short of running into his door frame. Louis smiled widely, "You're actually a pretty shit listener. Just saying."

 

        Harry blinked a couple of times before his snarky comment registered in his mind. Louis took that time to imitate obnoxiously loud snoring, finally bringing a slightly embarrassed smile to Harry's face as he shook his head.

 

        "Shut up." He murmured walking into his room, the sound of Louis' laughter following him as he shut the door, chest feeling exponentially lighter.


End file.
